woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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