We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
