So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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