my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
