Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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