tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
