my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
