So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize