I'm so fucking centered right now
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize