NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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