Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
