so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
