so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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