Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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