So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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