sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
They took my balls.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
