I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
