At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
