His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
