he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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