we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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