So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
