You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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