I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It's never too late to be topless.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
