I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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