We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She's the barista slut.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
