you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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