dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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