I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
