i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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