I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
