If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
