I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
