She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
