The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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