My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Randomize
