peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Randomize
