Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
