after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
