Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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