I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
