They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
