It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
