I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
