I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
