Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
