i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
And my parents said I crawled through the house
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
