i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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