my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
