i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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